For a first “journal” entry, it only seems appropriate to muse over our future and where we’ll be as a family a year from now. In a strange case of deja vu, we just returned from a place where we were almost exactly three years ago. We weren’t in the exact physical place; we weren’t even in the same town. But just a few minutes ago we got back from a vision/dreaming trip with our director to a plot of land a few miles outside Zilina that he noticed a few days ago and thinks would be an amazing place for a camping/training facility. Almost exactly three years ago was the last time we went on such a trip.
There are a lot of differences between this time and last, all of which I won’t even begin to list. One of which, however, is that this time the entire Kompas organization is moving in that direction, so there’s quite a lot of momentum to see a new training center realized. Another difference, that I’m still processing, is my own feelings about what our involvement in such a project would or should look like. Three years ago my heart and soul was in it, but the resources weren’t there and the timing wasn’t right. Now that the timing seems perfect and the resources seem to be lining up, I’m feeling a lot of reservations about throwing myself into it. Some of it, I’m sure, is fear of stepping into continued changes and redirections in job and focus; a fear that, in truth, will be met with the grace of the Lord, but because of it my practical reasoning is screaming “run away!” I also know that some of it is that we’re just different than we were three years ago. All fear and skepticism to the side, there’s a part of both of us that is saying that God has called us here for a time and that time is coming to a close, regardless of what we’ll be missing. If that is the case, I know that becoming ok with seeing the original dream come to fruition without my direct involvement will be a process in itself. Both Moses and David, surely, went through that process, although probably to a much greater degree…
Going back would feel like we’re running from the fear, and with it would come a lot of personal dissapointment. Staying would honestly feel like simply maintaining the status quo for the purpose of personal pride. Niether are pleasant options. But it sure would be nice to step into one of them with confidence.