Sometimes I wish that blogs gave you credit for *thinking about posting something; that there were maybe a system of points where all of your (read “my”) good intentions could receive due recognition. For example, I’d get 1 point for thinking about writing a post, two points for sitting down to the computer and opening the entry page, and maybe 5 points for actually getting around to hitting the “publish” button. And the score would be kept in the sidebar. I wouldn’t be competing with anybody else, necessarily, but I would still win.
It’s just that so much of life has been so hard to capture in words. If life here were the least bit stable, then it might be possible to put in a format that somebody could track and glean some relevant data from that might make some sense. But that’s just it. Change has become a way of life for us. So, when I think about writing something about life here, the thought is always followed by at least a bit of a feeling of futility. So I check my e-mail, read the Mac tip of the day, and go play with Jackson for a while. Which would still gain me 1 point.
In fact, I’ve realized in these past few days that I’ve become desensitized to change. When it comes, I don’t even see it, recognize it for what it is, or think twice about what consequences it might bring. At times I like to think of it as faith. Faith that the Lord really is holding everything in the palm of his hand, has everything under control, and knew that these things were going to happen long before I found out about them (insert your favorite verse of God’s omniscience and/or loving character). At other times, I think my attitude is simply indifferent, laissez fair; if the wind is going to change directions in a little while, why bother plotting a course?
We welcomed Laura, a new staff member, to our Kompas team last week. In the same week, our country leader announced that he would be moving back to the States this summer, another staff member announced that she would be moving back in just a few weeks, another good friend is leaving SK shortly having broke off wedding plans with yet another close friend of mine, and yet another Slovak staff member announced he will be working in the States this next year. And we live in a new apartment, with a new baby, and know that, without a doubt, this coming year will be one of transition.
And none of it seems out of the ordinary. It all hits me as just being part of a life that we’ve come to see as normal over the past 4 years. There’s little mourning for the death of things passed, and little fear of the impact these things could have on my life in the future. Again, I prefer to look at this as faith, but I’m starting to feel that it’s just because I’ve been hardened into indifference. I know this because more and more I’m finding myself gasping for air and trying to grab hold of something that brings stability. It’s a wonder I don’t spend more time in the word; at least that never changes. Faith is a far more attractive posture than indifference; just a little bit of it can move mountains, and through it I have access to the peace of God. And that is exactly what I need these days; certainly the alternatives aren’t very attractive. As far as I know, indifference isn’t a quality that produces much of anything but more indifference, and probably eventually despair and anger. I’d like faith and peace.
So, entering this spring, Kompas is going to go through some big changes, we’re going to part ways with some dear friends, and our family still has some significant decisions to make about our future. Luckily, changes have all become a way of life. Otherwise it might be stressful.
And if anybody is keeping track, I got 14 points for this post.
